I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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