DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
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Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize