After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
