I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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