he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
