no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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