i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
