she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
