A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
