I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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