I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
