why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
