oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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