this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
