i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
