Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
