mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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