All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
