I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
