I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
