My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
