Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
