fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
