sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
