She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
