omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
