This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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