It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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