omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
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judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.