i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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