I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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