Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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