I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think your dad took our porno
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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