Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Damn victory sex feels great
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
