Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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