the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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