Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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