I feel like I'm in dance class right now
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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