i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sarcasm needs its own font
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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