I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
