you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
