wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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