I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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