im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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