i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am naked and annoyed.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
