He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
