If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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