Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
