dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
