I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
