Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
