Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
