i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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