If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
