I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
