thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
