I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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