i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
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She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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