She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
