The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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