Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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