I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
