I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
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There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
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Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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