I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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