you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
