how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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